Monday, September 30, 2013

Anger Issues

Woke up angry at the universe today. Well, technically, I didn't wake up that way, as I went to sleep that way. Apologies for the grouchiness, but I need to let it out.

Angry at our ex-employers. Those who promised us "You're going to be able to build five houses by the time we're done" and spoke of large payouts at the end to make it all worthwhile... what they really meant was "Oh, actually you'll just be unemployed." Angry that they managed to build their mini-mansions, while Charlie spent the last ten years not even really able to enjoy his own unfinished home, because he was on the road making sure their business ran as smoothly as could be, that they could enjoy their Go Big lifestyles.

Angry that I don't understand completely what the future holds for us. I see one place that about 40% of stroke survivors have another stroke within 5 years... and then that the average lifespan for a stroke survivor is 7.5 years... but I don't get how such factors as age play into it (I would suppose that since most stroke victims are older, that would effect the outcomes/probabilities... what about for younger folk?) How does the fact that the clot/blockage is still there in Charlie's head play into it?

Angry that we were supposed to be starting our lives right now... focusing on getting things going for *US* again. That two-three weeks ago I was supposed to be leaving my employment, so that my new "job" could be seeing to it that our home was finished, so that he could come home and stay off the road for good next year... to actually enjoy the place he wanted to be, to call home.

Angry that there are days like yesterday, when he's hurting, having headaches, and we were unsure if it's simply due to muscle tension and ongoing eye strain, or more significant.... or this morning, when he seems more confused/lethargic.

Angry that he is the person I have chosen to spend my life with, to grow old with... that we were going to look out for one another. Which is what we're doing now, but it's years earlier than we thought. I understand that many people face these same things, for many different reasons, but that doesn't make it any easier.

Angry that we're a day away from our 16th anniversary, and I have to remind him on a daily basis what my name is.

Charlie's Spot


  1. I have nothing to offer but a virtual hug. I think if I was in your place, I would just be a tiny bit comforted by knowing that people are thinking about me and loving me from afar. Here's me doing that times infinity.

    1. Virtual hugs are completely welcome, Sharon!

  2. My heart just broke reading our story. I wish I could reach through the screen and hug you and just let you know you two are not alone. My son who is 16 just finished his second 3 years of chemo for a total of 6. Ugh. It's so hard to watch someone you love struggle. It sounds like your partner is such a fighter! I will be covering you both in prayers and love from afar:) I'd love to contribute to your Etsy shop too. Love to you both.

    1. Thank you, Molly! My sympathies go out to you, your son, and your family as well. It *is* difficult to see those we love in unpleasant situations, but it also reaffirms that love at the same time, in many ways.

      Be well, and love going out to you as well.
      (I'll be sending you an email reply also, regarding the shop)