Saturday, December 13, 2014

Mnemovore: Once We Are Diamond

I miss the feel of the night at times. Walking into spaces and possessing them. Lights flashing, the stink of bodies and potential, insects of chaos crawling and twitching beneath our skins. Keeping a tally of how many bars we could get thrown out of in each city we visited simply by challenging their norms. Adorning ourselves in war colors and battle garb.

We were angry and vivid and loving and joyous. Ready to tear it all down with love, burn it to the ground in a celebration of self. Smashing bottles and fighting with cops all for the sake of love. All for love.

I miss the chemical burn of alterations inhaled, injected and ingested. The willingness to self-destruct in the pursuit of honesty. Dirty bathrooms, pounding on the stall doors as we laughed and fucked like our lives depended on grasping every shining thing.  Each thrust a declaration of ownership of self, a denial of condemnation. Unknown faces we would immediately and organically bond with, sensing a similar feral-minded soul. One second connections. Sometimes these led to momentary physical and spiritual bondings, sometimes they led to years-long friendships, sometimes to relationships still ongoing.

I want to relive it, if only in my mind. Sniffing out the underground spaces, the illegal parties, slinking down back alleys to the hidden doorways. The smell of waste and the inevitable homeless person paid to keep watch for authority figures, to give warning. How the pressure would change the moment the doors were opened. Eyes would turn, not always in a pleasant way. Pushing our way through those little oceans of flesh --being a smoker came in handy then, nothing like a burning cherry in the arm to clear a path- and finding the dance floor. That most sacred of spots, where the dragons flow and weave and demons are loosed to wreak their havoc and change. The nearly-naked writhers cutting loose those ties that had bound them (or, on a good night, the fully-naked ones) or finding the ties to bind them. That space where I myself could lose my own timidity, find grace in the movement of my body, and allow my grace to be accepted. Akimbo.

There we would hold space for hours. Five....ten... daybreak.... All the while pulling in those things we needed, casting out those we didn't. Sharing our wealth with our fellow demons. Working our muscles to their limits. Pushing until we had to stop, panting and covered in sweat...collapsing in relief on the outside of the circle.

I miss the Walk of Shame the next day (though we had no shame) passing people on their way to work while the trees were still melting. I miss the feeling like I wanted to die (or, less dramatically, at least to stay hidden in the dark room for just one more day), I miss the cuddling piles on the floor of the darkened room as no one could speak and our muscles twitched and contracted (imagine involuntary twerking before twerking was a thing) and we all wondered how long it was until we could go again. Get back on the ride. When that next bag would open. Back out into that crystaline night, our eyes thankful for the relief from day.

But now...

"Now" I treasure as well, though I long for the "days of old" at times. Now we gather in small groups. Now I sit with fellow demons, and we cuddle and talk and eat and imbibe. We lounge. Good god, we lounge. Those burning days are gone for us, and we are left with embers. Embers that burn and keep warmth going, occasionally giving flame to new wood.  Perhaps that's the lesson, I don't know.

All I know is that once we shone like diamonds against the grit, and that one day we will be diamond again.